If Your Cat Ever Watches You Sleep… DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES

If your cat ever watches you sleep, and you wake up and it is still there: do not open your eyes. Do not move. And do not ask it what it wants. There are 7 rules. You already follow six of them. This is an analog horror survival guide for the thing every cat owner has seen in the middle of the night: the cat sitting beside your pillow, looking at your face. What to do about the paw, the call from the empty room, the closed bedroom door, the run through the house at three in the morning, and the bowl that is not empty. File 044 — FELINE. Issued by the Department of Domestic Anomalies. Please follow all instructions. CHAPTERS 0:00 If your cat ever watches you sleep 0:29 Rule 1: Keep your eyes closed 0:57 Rule 2: Do not react to the paw 1:20 Rule 3: When it calls, go 2:02 Things you decided were normal 2:35 Rule 4: Do not close the bedroom door 3:30 Rule 5: Do not move 4:21 Rule 6: At five, fill the bowl 5:02 Rule 7: [classified] ABOUT THESE FILES Bradikinin publishes survival protocols for situations nobody trained you for: dark, calm, and slightly unprofessional. Every video is one file, one situation, and a short list of rules. Subscribe to @BradikininVideos before your cat does. This is a work of fiction. The Department does not exist, and your cat is probably just hungry. The facts are real: the 1967 C.I.A. memo on trained cats is a declassified document (National Security Archive, Electronic Briefing Book 54, document 27); cats knowing their own names is from Saito et al., Scientific Reports, 2019; the collar-camera study is Loyd et al., Veterinary Record, 2013; the cry inside the purr is McComb et al., Current Biology, 2009. #cats #analoghorror #catbehavior