If Wizards of the Coast Had a Villain Song… | Wizards of the Toll | D&D Parody

Wizards of the Coast gets a villain song in this funny D&D parody about corporate greed, paywalled magic, and apologies with a price tag. “Wizards of the Toll” by Twisted Tavern Tunes turns Dungeons & Dragons drama into a goblin executive’s outrageously cheerful sales pitch Inspired by the D&D monetization debate and the 2023 Open Game License (OGL) controversy, this original fantasy comedy song takes aim at corporate spin, subscription schemes, and the art of apologizing without abandoning the business plan 🎶🍺 *Welcome to Twisted Tavern Tunes* 🍺🎶 Grab a drink, roll initiative, and sing along with the chaos If you enjoyed it, tip your bard with a like and a comment 💖 Love, Seraphine 🕯️🎻 📌 Discord: https://discord.gg/6pcdyyJvVc ⚔️ Patreon: https://patreon.com/TwistedTavernTunes 🎵 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/2oeR8UjxBBQUuAyQnMXtKO?si=fqEt7urRTJK90dGVk1lEmg&nd=1&dlsi=85135d0c470f466d 🎵*Lyrics*🎵 Good evening Valued spellcasters Now as you know Magic belongs to everyone But you see Ater an exhaustive review We discovered something deeply troubling Magic was… Undermonetized For centuries you’ve cast for free A shocking oversight You summon flame command the dead Make darkness into light But somebody must tend the spring Maintain the mystic flow And now that someone happens to be us So off we go A copper piece for cantrips A silver piece for flight A modest fee for fireballs On weekends after night Your first three spells are free of charge We think that’s rather fair And healing spells are still included With our Platinum Cleric Care Now some of you seem angry And frankly that’s okay Your voices are important Please fill out our survey We’re listening We’re sorry We treasure every voice We never meant to anger you Our service is your choice We hear your disappointment Your feedback means a lot So everything you hated We’ll postpone till our next plot You bought a spellbook years ago Delightful! Good for you! Of course the spells contained therein Require a License Too The book itself is yours my friend We’d never take your tome But access to the words inside May vary by your zone Your wizard tower’s grandfathered Your familiars remain free But summoned creatures after three Require an account you see And if your subscription did lapse While battling an evil lich Your ninth level slots go dark Until payment clears the glitch What’s that? You call this greedy? Oh what a dreadful word We prefer Sustainable stewardship of resources previously unsecured We’re listening We’re sorry Your passion makes us strong We thought you’d love the changes Apparently we were wrong So we’ve revised the contract Behold our grand retreat We removed the part you hated And moved it to page eightythree The Wellspring must be protected Protection costs a fee And who protects the Wellspring? Well… Naturally me! For our company needs investment And investment needs return And every time your wizard casts Someone ought to earn Want lightning? A small transaction Want wildshape? Monthly plan Want your paladin’s sacred oath? Swipe your card or scan Prestidigitation? Sponsored Resurrection? Spell Plan Plus Counterspell is Premium Unless you counter us Now rumors claim we’ve lost our way That gold became our guide That somewhere in our marble halls The D&D dream has died Ridiculous! We love this game We love each girl and boy We’ve calculated carefully The maximum price of joy We know you built the taverns We know you drew the maps We know you wrote adventures While our accountants took their naps You made communities flourish You kept the torches bright And that is why we’re honored To monetize them right The heroes may complain The bards may write their songs But outrage dies eventually And quarterly profits live on We’re listening We’re sorry Your trust is our concern And every bridge we burn Is something we can learn We’re listening We’re sorry We’d never silence you Your feedback helped us understand Exactly What you’ll let us do We heard you Loud and clear You said Stop charging us to cast our spells And after extensive consultation We agree No more fees for casting spells Your magic shall be free No copper toll on cantrips No charge for sorcery The magic stays completely yours Just as it used to be You’ll simply pay a monthly fee To access it through me We’re listening We’re sorry The Wellspring’s safe with us Your spells your worlds your memories Entrusted to our trust So gather round adventurers There’s nothing here to fear Magic still belongs to everyone For only 99 gold pieces Per caster Per year You see It’s not personal It’s just good business Credits: Lyrics: Seraphine & Caden Ashford Composition: Draft created with SUNO. DAW editing by Seraphine Visuals: Created by Seraphine using ShotCut #DnD #WizardsOfTheCoast #VillainSong #bardcore #dndmusic #dnd #tavernmusic #fantasymusic #gamingmusic #fantasytavern #dndcomedy TTT merch: https://twistedtaverntunes.com